DISCLAIMER: This is a modified version of the original Sarang's World series. References to real people have been removed or altered. Similarity without satiric intent is unintentional.
(Season 1, Episode 4 originally written on 6/19/1994; modified 4/12/95)
Episode Title: "My Dinner with Cindy"
[Scene: A fancy restaurant. There is something subtly unusual about the restaurant that is not immediately apparent. As we slowly turn our attention to a particular table, we realize that the patrons, while stylishly dressed, seem to favor costumes from the Medevial Era... however, these costumes are subdued and dignified, and NOT the kind of attire that would be found at a parade or a flamboyant costume ball... Our attention turns to one table in particular, where Cindy and Sarang are sitting]
SARANG: It's really a shame that your husband couldn't make it. I would have loved to have met him.
CINDY (nervously, as if trying to change the subject): Well, he was busy with some kind of meeting-- you know how it is...
SARANG: Actually, I don't! I've never worked a day in my life!
(They share a laugh)
CINDY: Anyway, he's more interested in work that he is in ... (uncertain pause) eating out.
SARANG: Well, I suppose he might not find eating out that exciting, but he surely must love to spend time with you?
CINDY (trying to convince herself): Well, we HAVE been married over TEN years...
SARANG: Well, I've only known you for a few months, but your constant fount of charms never ceases to amaze me.
(Cindy smiles)
SARANG: And, even on the off chance that Tom *has* been treated to all of your wonderful charms, I think he would find pleasure in just sitting her and basking in your infinite beauty.
(Cindy smiles radiantly)
CINDY (modestly): Well, maybe not infinite...
SARANG: When I first saw your face, I was overwhelmed by the glow of your loveliness... Then, I saw your soft brown eyes and your beauty was doubled for me.... then your tender, soft cheeks.. and again, my heart beat doubly fast... and your gorgeous silken hair...
(Sarang sighs deeply, lost in reflection, staring at Cindy)
CINDY: You keep saying things like that and I'm sure to blush...
SARANG (eyes alight): If the softest touch of pink were to caress thy face, your beauty would overwhelm my senses. Even now, I feel as did the man who had viewed only the stars for an eternal night, and is only now seeing the rising of the sun. And, like the Sun, your beauty is so brilliant that I shall go blind if I continue to stare-- and yet, I would rather go blind than avert my eyes.
(Cindy blushes)
CINDY: You're silly.. cute, but silly.
SARANG (in a more academic voice): Even if I do not literally go blind, no other woman can compare to you-- even in the literal sense, my eye for beauty has a new standard. If you are a 10, all other women fade to 0.
CINDY (with a warm smile): You're too much (suddenly narrowing her eyes) hey, who's that?
SARANG (looking in the indicated direction): Looks like a middle-aged man without a date... walking this way...
CINDY: That's my husband!
SARANG: Oh, I'm glad he got out of his meeting early! This'll give me a chance to... (looking at Cindy) hey, what's wrong?
CINDY: He can't see me here with you!!!
SARANG: Why not? You told him we were going to dinner together, didn't you? (eyes widening as Cindy doesn't respond) DIDN'T YOU????
CINDY (a little sheepishly): Must've slipped my mind....
(The man who entered the restaurant is now clearly seen to be Cindy's husband, Tom, and he is definitely approaching Sarang and Cindy's table)
SARANG: Cindy, I'm no expert in human psychology, but... when you have dinner with someone without telling your husband, don't you think he might be a little unhappy? I mean, granted, he was going to a meeting and...
CINDY (more sheepishly): Actually, there wasn't any meeting...
SARANG (exploding): WHAT??? You... you.. you... OMIGOD! What did you tell him??????
CINDY (trying to act casual): I told him I was going shopping...
SARANG (still ranting): SHOPPING?? SHOPPING?? If he sees us here after you told him you were out shopping, he's going to think...
(Sarang stops as an unseen hand taps him on the shoulder. He slowly turns and looks up to see...)
TOM (with a tight, dangerous-looking smile): Excuse me, but are you dating my wife?
SARANG: Me? No.. actually, she's with him (points randomly), and I just ummm knew her and thought I'd say hi.
(Tom's unwavering expression convinces Sarang that this explanation doesn't satisfy Tom)
SARANG: I mean.. your wife? I didn't know she was your wife-- I thought she was single... and, umm.. that she was wearing a class ring.. .and, umm.. you know how young she looks-- how could I expect her to be married, especially to someone as old as y... woops, I mean, you're young-looking too, it's just that people are getting married older these days, so I thought ....
TOM (interrupting smoothly): You have besmirched my wife's honor!
SARANG: No I haven't. I thought maybe I'd first get a couple of glasses of wine in her, some light music, candlelight, ....
TOM (eagerly): Oh yeah.. and what she really likes is when you touch the back of her... HEY WAITAMINIT!!! You have soiled my wife's honor! Prepare to die!
(Tom holds a hand up in the air, and, from out of nowhere, catches the hand grip of a sharp lance)
TOM: En garde, rapscallion!
SARANG: What, exactly, IS a rapscallion?
CINDY: I think it's a kind of onion?
TOM: No, honey, that's a scallion. A RAP-scallion is a rascal or black-heart or a villain.... (points at Sarang with his lance) like this knave!
(Sarang holds up his hand and also catches the hand grip of an equally sharp lance)
SARANG (smiling confidently now): Very good Sir! We shall fight for your wife's honor... (pause) and a small pizza.
TOM: My wife's name shall be cleared... and the pizza shall have 2 toppings (3 for the price of 2 on Mondays, call your local Domino's for participating stores-- this promotional message brought to you by Domino's... nobody knows like Domino's)
(In a dramatically civil gesture, Sarang and Tom walk over to the open space of the dance floor. No one is dancing and the restaurant patrons gather around to watch. In deference to the standard rules of drama, Cindy manages to find the spot that is closest to Sarang and Tom)
(We briefly focus on the crowd)
WOMEN IN AUDIENCE (to her date): A sword fight? God, how trite. Who wrote this piece of crap anyway?
(Our focus returns to the dance 'arena' where the two swordsmen are almost ready to begin)
TOM: Are you prepared for death, villain?
SARANG (checking off mental checklist): Will and Testament, ok... organ donations, ok... last episode of Star Trek watched, ok... (suddenly speaking aloud) I am ready!!!
[Note to Self: If this is ever made into a TV movie, make the sword fight scene much longer and more full of impossible stunts. In the real middle ages, sword fights usually lasted a short time, even between opponents of nearly equal skill, but television networks don't really care much about accuracy-- or anything else except ratings, for that matter... ]
(Sarang and Tom thrust, parry and fight during the following dialogue)
TOM: Ah! You are not as unskilled with the lance as I had thought!
SARANG: I have practiced wielding the lance on many a lonely night...
TOM: Though I shall not have difficulty dispatching you, I must confess I am more accustomed to a longer lance.
SARANG: Tisn't the size of the lance, but rather, how you thrust with it...
TOM: And yet, even a thrusted lance is of no use if it does not find its target...
CINDY: STOP!! Stop this right now!
(Sarang and Tom stop fighting and turn to Cindy)
TOM (uncertainly): I.. I know this scene of violence disturbs you my love, but I shall be mercifully quick in terminating this knave.
SARANG: Thanks, Tom.
TOM: No prob.
CINDY: Not that!!! Those 'lance' comments!!! Do you think we're stupid or something?? What's next? 'My lance is bigger than your lance'. Now, get back to fighting.. BUT TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE!!!
(Sarang and Tom resume fighting)
SARANG: Say, its (ungh) lovely weather we're having, isn't it?
TOM: A bit on the hot side but (slice) not bad.
SARANG: Yeah, but its better than (dodge) Miami... I mean, at least here it's a ......
EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE KNOWN UNIVERSE, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO DOMESTIC PETS, SINGLE-CELLED AMOEBA, CERTAIN FORMS OF PLANT LIFE, AND FUNGAL GROWTHS: ... DRY HEAT!!!!
SARANG: Uhhh.. I guess you hear that expression a lot.
TOM: I grow weary of this banter. For attempting to seduce my pure and beautiful wife, I shall now bring thy life to a fin-is.
(True to his word, Tom thrusts and parries more skillfully. Sarang is driven back for a moment, and then, he, too, attacks with more vigor. The silence grows deafening, until a familiar-looking man in the audience speaks into a previously-concealed microphone he holds in his hand)
HOWARD COSELL: Ladies and gentleman, if you are just joining us, you are truly in for one of the most specTACular sights in the history of lance-fighting. Hockey has its Stanley Cup, football has its Super Bowl-- but, OH.. can there be anything comparable to the prize these two gentleman are fighting for today... the prize that has divided nations, the prize that has come between brothers.. the prize that caused the fall of the great Greek city of Athens.. the prize, dear friends, of true love-- the love of a good woman...
CINDY: I'm not that good...
HOWARD COSELL (ignoring her): The love of .. Cindy, the woman you see here (and, indeed, somehow, a camera crew has emerged from the audience, and is filming the scene). And, look at her-- who could HELP but fall in love with this shining example of pulchritudeness defined... the woman whose beauty alone could...
CINDY: Back off, bucko. It's just between Sarang and Tom.
HOWARD COSELL (changing gears): Now, for those of you joining us after Monday Night Football, you will be glad to know that most of the fighting until now has just been the warm-up act. After exchanging verbal blows and quips, these two lance-men are now truly approaching the climax of their battle.
(The camera now turns to the arena, and Howard switches to 'color' commentary)
HOWARD COSELL: OH! As you can see, Sarang has taken the early lead. Tom is barely managing to defend himself against the devastating onslaught of Sarang's well-wielded lance. By all rights, Tom should be wounded by now, but his opponent, in the tradition of so many fine lance-men, seems almost reluctant to strike his quarry. And so, the dance continues. But, friends, it can not last forever. Soon, even the most merciful blade must slice. Fatigue is always a factor in these bouts, and, soon, if the warriors do not decide on an outcome for themselves, fatigue will surely decide it for them.
(There is a roar from the crowd)
HOWARD COSELL: OH! And there it is. Sarang has struck a grazing blow across Tom's chest. While the blow does not look serious enough to defeat Tom, Sarang is finally showing that he means business. Soon, it will all be over, my friends, all except for the cheering. And, remember, after it is all over, after one man stands triumphant, and one woman weeps tears of joy and loss, after the drama here finally ends, remember.... you can watch the New Dukes of Hazzard, airing on most of these CBS stations.
(The crowd gasps)
HOWARD COSELL: OH! Tom has fallen to a dangerous position now... Sarang can easily cut him to ribbons...
CINDY: NO!!!! I love you, Tom!!!
HOWARD COSELL: OH! Sarang has turned to see who is calling out to his nearly-defeated opponent. But wait! Tom seizes the opportunity and parries off Sarang's attack! This is incredible!! Why is Sarang not reacting? He continues to stare at Cindy, as if he were immobilized.
SARANG: Cindy, sweet Cindy, don't you still <GAKKKKKKK>
(Sarang falls to the floor as Tom's lance pierces him through the heart)
CINDY (through tears of joy): You did it! You did it! You beat Sarang!
TOM: I don't know... after you called out for me, he lost his will to fight. I know he could have recovered quickly enough... I... I even gave him a few seconds...
CINDY: You've always been a noble man...
TOM: But he didn't want them... he just stood there and waited. I think, after you called out to me... even if he had won... he would have lost.
CINDY: But you DID beat him.. and that's what's important.
TOM (looking deeply into Cindy's eyes): I think the true victory belongs to you....
CINDY: Or, maybe.. to both of us?
TOM (smiling): We make a good team, don't we?
CINDY: Yes.. yes, we do.
(They embrace.)
HOWARD COSELL: And so, the world will never know for sure, was it the sharpened metal lance that pierced life out of a knave... or rather, was it beauty that killed the beast?
(The room slowly fades to black as Howard's speech continues, and Howard's speech becomes harder to hear)
HOWARD COSELL: One is reminded of a young Cassius Clay, when he ....
and .... but .... so remember.... Hazard....
PROLOGUE
[Scene: Fade in to a hospital emergency room. Sarang is laying on a
hospital bed, looking peacefully unconscious. A small monitor next
to him indicates he is alive.]
(Sarang wakes and starts babbling something about never having done a story with a prologue before...)
SARANG: it's a language.. a computer language.. (infer? a b c d...)
NURSE: Are you awake, Mr. Gupta?
SARANG (waking up): Yes.. yes (looking around) Where.. where am I?
DOCTOR: You're in the Emergency Room at Lovelace Hospital.
SARANG: What happened? How did I get here?
DOCTOR: There was an incident at the Society for Creative Anachronism dinner...
SARANG: I remember... a girl.. a beautiful girl...
(The Doctor's pager starts beeping)
DOCTOR: It went a little further than that, I'm afraid...
SARANG: Doctor, aren't you going to answer your beeper?
DOCTOR: No, I'm afraid that's your job...
SARANG (confused): My job? How am I supposed to answer your beeper?
DOCTOR: BEEP BEEP BEEP
(The scene fades and gets swirly)
[Scene: Sarang's bedroom. Sarang's alarm clock is ringing]
(Sarang wakes up and shuts off the alarm clock with a thud)
SARANG (to himself, as if ending a play): I've really GOT to stop eating 4-alarm chili before going to bed......